Peer Support Resources - Self-care & boundaries for peer workers

Be kind to
yourself

You can’t help everyone but you’re doing your best to support others through their problems.
You won’t always have the answers, you’re only human

You
deserve
support too

Remember you are also a peer in the group –
you can receive support and have space to share. Acknowledge your own needs as well as
everyone else’s

Switch off

Listening to other people’s troubles can be exhausting, so look for ways to take the weight off your shoulders. Engage in activities you enjoy that will take your mind away from being a peer supporter

Reach out

You are not alone! Talking to a friend, family member, GP or mental health professional when you’re feeling down can help to ease the strain. Remember not to break any confidentiality agreements

Seek
support in
your
workplace

Remember that your supervisor is always there to support you, whether that’s with peer support or personal troubles

Remember
to eat

Skipping meals can result in higher stress levels and/or feeling sluggish and can be easily done, especially if you are busier than usual. Hourly reminders or other techniques might help

Set
Boundaries

Spend time figuring out what and how much you’re comfortable with sharing and what would be crossing a boundary for you. Make this clear to your peers in a respectful way

Make time
for you

It’s important to have a balanced lifestyle, so ensure you’re making time for your hobbies and interests

Know
your worth

Stay confident in your abilities. You may not have all the answers, but your input in always valid

Boundaries

Just a simple word can cause so much anxiety for some of us, meanwhile it is one of the most important elements of any relationship, whether that be romantic, platonic or professional. But what about in peer support, where it is so easy for the lines to become blurred, and how do we approach the situation if it happens? It can be hard to navigate a situation where your boundaries have been crossed, even if you try to convince yourself that it wasn’t a big deal, however, at the end of the day, a boundary is a boundary, so it’s ok to take a step back and think about how it made you feel, and more importantly, to feel upset. You may be a peer worker helping others, but we forget that doing so also means helping yourself first. So, let’s talk about it- what boundaries are, how we can put them in place from the beginning and what to do if someone crosses them.

What are
boundaries?

Boundaries are rules and limits that we put in place to protect ourselves and often our safety, be it physical or emotional. It is a life skill that is essential in peer support; in these relationships there is a strong element of trust, so if one person begins to feel unsafe, it will prevent them from opening up, and so the relationship can deteriorate fast. Some examples of boundaries are limits on physical touch (hugs, handshakes, etc), sharing personal contact details that aren’t necessary (social media) and lending money. More emotional/social boundaries can include talking about other peers behind their back and oversharing personal details. All of these are common in peer support and can potentially harm the relationship. It’s important to remember that every person’s boundaries are different, so what may feel ok for you may not be the case for the peer, and vice versa.

Forming Boundaries

This is why it is necessary to put these in place at the beginning of the relationship so that both parties have clear expectations of each other throughout the process. This doesn’t have to be an intense or daunting task to make the peer feel uncomfortable, rather it is supposed to provide safety and direction to create a more progressive relationship, so long as the boundaries are maintained. One way a peer worker could go about this is by collaborating with the peer to produce a contract (how extensive this is and whether this is a casual or formal contract is up to the people involved according to what feels comfortable), or for a group, creating a general contract that is shared before each session to reiterate the conditions. Also, with a contract, group members have control and autonomy to change this at any point.

Maintaining
Boundaries

So now comes the difficult part, maintaining these boundaries and approaching awkward conversations when this isn’t happening. One of the main difficulties of maintenance is making exceptions due to that guilty feeling that tends to come up any time that there is breach of the working together agreement and we have to turn someone away. Remember, this is normal, but it does not mean you are doing something wrong. In fact, by feeling like this you are likely to be taking on the responsibility of other people’s emotions and not helping them in their recovery journey to feel empowered, so it is important to remain firm but gentle. Practicing scenarios with a colleague can be great to provide perspective if you’re afraid of sounding too harsh or too timid. This can also help to remind yourself of why you have set this boundary in the first place, making it easier to hold your ground in the real situation.

Maintaining your
peer support role

It’s common for the relationship to become more friendly and casual overtime, and usually that’s ok, but it’s important to remember your role. Part of this is not letting personal feelings get in the way of your work. At times it may feel like the peer is making the wrong choice, and naturally, we’d want to simply say, ‘No, don’t do that’ however despite your best intentions we should refrain from this, as this is too directive and doesn’t allow the peer to make their own decisions. Among a group, it should also be discouraged so instead, remind members that whilst suggesting advice is fine, we should keep in mind of how it may come across to the other person, even if those members are close. Alternatively, if you are the one being told what to do, you can thank them and say you will take on board the advice and do whatever you deem fit. This way no one’s feelings are hurt, and you have still made your opinion clear.

What if they want
to be friends?

In some settings peer workers are asked not to make friends with peers. In others it might be ok.

If you don’t feel comfortable with it that’s perfectly alright and it’s a good idea to set that boundary straight away to manage expectations. Plus, it might be an idea to agree with peers what you would do if you see each other outside of the peer support setting i.e. will you acknowledge each other or not.

Having these conversations could also provide a chance to explore anything that may have possibly come up for the peer, for example, feelings of loneliness or projection. This would allow a pathway to strengthen the relationship between peer and worker, as it would help you help them.

Difference in
cultural boundaries

Not everyone will be from the same background as you, and so cultural morals and beliefs may be different to what you are used to. For example, Muslims tend to avoid any type of physical contact with the opposite gender, whereas people from a Spanish descent (such as Mexico or Latin America) are used to general physical touch such as affectionate hugs or a light peck on the cheek. Having some knowledge beforehand on these things makes it easier during that first meeting, because you will feel more confident and have an idea of what to expect. That being said, one should never stereotype or make assumptions. No two people are the same, even if from the same culture, so even if you think someone will be comfortable with physical contact, that does not necessarily mean they will be, therefore always remain cautious and allow the peer to make the first move and go from there.

The easiest way to navigate possible differences between you and the peer with regards to boundaries, and to ensure respect, is by being honest from the beginning about what you are/are not comfortable with. For example, if you do not like physical touch, and the peer is clearly comfortable with it (perhaps they greet you for the first time with a hug), make it known politely that you do not feel ok with it. Assure them that this is not to do with them specifically, and that they have done nothing wrong as they didn’t know but have an open conversation about what you both are happy with. If the peer does get offended, again, reassure them that this is simply your preference, and nothing to do with them. You can go one step further and ask them if they have any preferences themselves- opening the conversation up so that the peer can also have a say in these things allows a deeper connection and a chance to learn about each other. It builds trust and confidence, but will take time, so be patient and be willing to learn about each other’s preferences across the course that you are together, as this will provide safety for both parties, and allow a deeper understanding between you both.

Communication
barriers

As mentioned previously, you will come across people from many backgrounds. For example, two people may be speaking English, however they may be speaking the language differently- perhaps one of them is not a native speaker and so learnt the language very differently to how a native would talk.

Encouraging the group to get to know and understand each other is a good start to building relationships, however more importantly it means that you will all begin to recognise each other’s speech patterns. This will help you interpret what someone is really trying to say, rather than what you are hearing out loud. One must remember that even though everyone is speaking the same language, they are not all really speaking the same language, so allow time to learn each other’s talking styles. That being said, it is important to remember that it is ok to question each other if one feels that a peer has said something we didn’t understand. Open communication is key to any successful relationship, and in this case, will help clear up misunderstandings and even give others the opportunity to help fellow peers explain themselves if they are finding it difficult to communicate their thoughts in a way everyone will understand.

Overall

Boundaries can be a tough part of any support role, especially where being friendly and offering comfort is part of the role. It can be difficult to maintain a balance, however with time comes ease, and the more you practice your skills, the easier it will be to do so. Happy peer work!