Bridgett's story: caring for my son

Bridgett’s story

My name is Bridgett. I am a 70 year old mother of four adult sons and a grandmother to 4 grand daughters. I am in good physical health but over the past few years my emotional well being and my mental health has been heavily tested.

“…over the past few years my emotional well being and my mental health has been heavily tested.”

My eldest son, unfortunately, is an alcoholic who over the years has suffered significant health problems, so much so that he is unable to walk independently and relies on a wheelchair for mobility. He also has liver cirrhosis and some neurological damage which has reduced his mobility significantly.

I am have been voluntarily helping him for the past 10 years. My son has had several periods of abstinence followed by several serious relapses. Each time he relapses his health declines and each time he relapses my caring duties become heavier.

I support my son in many different ways. When he is drinking he becomes sorrowful and sometimes suicidal and will phone me in tears at all hours. I always respond and try to support him emotionally and mentally. When he is drinking he is less able to do self care or clean his house or cook. I support him by making sure he is presentable as possible, keeping his house clean, cooking and shopping for him. I would make sure I saw him every day. I have also helped him to manage his finances.

On several occasions I have had to ring for an ambulance when he has been very unwell . I thank god I was there on those occasions as he may not have survived. I suppose in that sense I took on the role of safeguarding. I also had and still have regular communications with professionals including support workers and health professionals.

When he is not drinking I still care for him in many ways. I continue to give him emotional support. I help him with his shopping, take him to all his health appointments and to support groups. I also take him to see other family members and friends in order to improve his social interaction so that he does not feel isolated which could make him more vulnerable to relapsing.

In terms of being recognised as a carer a friend suggested that I apply for a carers allowance. This was about one year ago. I never really looked at myself as an unpaid carer rather just a mother who deeply cares for her son. I was amazed at the response that I got. I was told that I qualify as a carer but that I did not qualify for an allowance as I was in receipt of state pension. I found this to be confusing. So although I am retired I did not foresee that my role of caring was not seen as an additional job that one might get paid for. That is if I went to be a carer in a home I would get paid wages regardless of my state pension. However I accepted that this was the case. Manchester City council recognising that I am an unpaid carer do offer me support with my council tax and housing benefit.

In January of this year my son was admitted to Chapman Barker detox unit having relapsed again. I had been beside myself with worry for the preceding months as his ability to do most things was dreadfully impacted. Each day I lived in fear of my son falling as he has had many falls or even dying.

“Each day I lived in fear of my son falling as he has had many falls or even dying.”

The day I dropped him off at the unit a nurse gave me a pamphlet and it was for me not just for my son. It mentioned carers support and until then I had never reached out to anyone apart from family for support. I got back into the car and buried my head into my hands and just felt this overwhelming surge of weariness . I think I had been on auto pilot for many years. It was then I decided I need to reach out somewhere.

On the 14th of January I called the carers contact point. I was very weepy when talking about my experience. The person on the other end of the phone was so patient and understanding and allowed me to share my thoughts and feelings freely. And although supported by my family, I felt really listened to just from that one phone call.

“On the 14th of January I called the carers contact point. I was very weepy when talking about my experience. The person on the other end of the phone was so patient and understanding and allowed me to share my thoughts and feelings freely.”

Since then I have been assessed formally by my sons social worker. That in itself made me feel that I was valued as his carer. I am I touch with Manchesters carer’ forum who update me with lots of events and activities to consider. But the most important thing for me is I know where and who to reach out to if I need support and help for me. I think what would be really positive is to have a dedicated carer’s helpline that is available seven days a week so that for those who can’t always attend events can have someone to speak to in their hour of need. And that hour of need could be any day in the week. I know that would have helped me on many occasions in the past.

I believe that there needs to be much more publicity about unpaid carers. Information about support and so forth passed on in post offices, libraries, schools, housing associations who could distribute the information to tenants and colleagues. The profile of unpaid carers needs to be raised. After all, without us, many families may not receive the quality of care they need. Unpaid carers do what they do because they really care about their family or friends who need that extra help. I personally will pass on information to anyone I see in a similar situation as myself because that is what helped me.